I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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