I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
