im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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