Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
