how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
