It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
