Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
