Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
