I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
