I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
