You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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