My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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