i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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