I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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