Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
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