i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
