why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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