Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
