I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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