Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
