You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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