I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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