Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
