hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
