My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need moral support for this bender
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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