My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
