i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
