i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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