Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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