He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
