she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
