Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
