You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
