yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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