Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
