Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
