dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
