life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
