I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
