dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize