I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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