sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
