My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
