I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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