3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
