I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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