And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
