True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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