Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit