please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.