Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Everyone says I win the strip club
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.