The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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