i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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