I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
