Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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